Fear. It’s like birthday presents. It comes in all kinds of packages.
This past weekend I went to Fruita. Something I’ve been doing once or twice a year for the past nine years. Just me and my girlfriends. It seems to always be epic in one way or another. Either we get lost, someone’s bikes decides it’s done for the season or someone gets hurt. And that someone was me five years ago. If you’re holding your breath for some epic “I was sending it off some giant rock” story you can exhale. That didn’t happen. All that happened was this. I took a slight corner (barely a corner) and didn’t make it and fell down a ledge…a foot maybe..and my leg was straight enough and I fell fast enough that I snapped my ACL in two. At least that’s what I learned two months later after denial stopped serving me.
This was my first time getting hurt and by all measures, it could’ve been way worse. Walked away with my teeth, my nice cheek bones and my life. Surgery and lots of PT and I was all better. But I was and I wasn’t. My mojo was gone. I mean, I still rode all the time and coached and raced but that little bit of fearlessness was gone. That little bit of…I’m a badass and I’m invincible and nananabooboo was gone. And so for the last four years I walked some of the downs and I walked a lot of the techy ups because that feeling of T-I-M-B-E-R slayed me. And for the most part it was okay. I figured, we all grow up, we all change, it’s not a big deal. And then I went to Fruita. And as my friend said “I don’t even know who you are! Cheri’s back!!!!”. And just like that I was back. Riding all the stuff I ever rode and even more.
So let’s talk fear. It’s a bastard and I don’t say that lightly. It will lie to you and rob you of your confidence and it will manipulate you. And yes, a bit of fear (and common sense) is a good thing but it’s like those tippy birds we had in the 80’s. The bird would go back and forth and back and forth until he’d finally tip over and that’s how fear is; it’s like a seesaw. It’s all fun and games until your 9 year old best friend jumps off and leaves you to crash to the ground. It’s not fun and it’s not pretty. It can take your essence and hide it from you. It can shape your decisions and make you see risk as something to be avoided at all times. Yes, fear is a bastard. And fear will stay as long as you let it. It will take over your couch and eat all your nachos and drink all of your Upslope beer. And what’s funny is that fear also feels like a cozy blanket and you won’t even realize it’s taken over. It will feel normal and right. But like those old yoga pants you should’ve thrown out a long time ago or that awful boyfriend who never calls or remembers your birthday, there comes a time when you open the door, kick it out and lock the door.
Fear is a part of life and it is a balance between throwing all caution to the wind and letting fear choke you in your sleep. And yes, this applies to all areas of your life. But when you are ready you can gently nudge it out the door. Give it less air time. Give it less power. Give it less credibility. And when people say “just do it” or “just get over it”, ignore them. It’s not that easy. You have to be ready. But the cool thing is that when you release some of the grip that fear has on you, you’ll see that life is better. You might see parts of your old self. I am not saying it’s easy and I’m not saying to be fearless and foolish. I’m just saying that there’s a rainbow waiting for you. And there may not be a pot of gold or an elf or a gnome but life is better at the end of the rainbow. And frankly, I missed that part of my self that is a little badasss. I missed taking risks and feeling my breath catch. Just a little bit.
Fear does come in many kinds of packages. Fear of falling, fear of failure, fear of coming in last, fear of not measuring up on the start line of your first race, fear of how you look in Lycra and fear of not being accepted or liked. It’s all the same. Release some. Let it go. If it doesn’t come back to you, you didn’t really need it in the first place.
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